i went out for a weekend holiday alone.

and figured that it doesn't change anything. i can leave someplace, or leave someone, but everything will follow me. leaving something is not changing, but just temporarily relieving yourself of its presence. i can cut off my hair and pretend i have a new attitude, but i will still sit in my room and write letters and 20 cents postcards that i'll never send. i will still compose handphone text messages and save them only as drafts. i will still delude myself, and only to hurt so much when my heart speaks the truth of its own at the end of the day. i won't figure out how to be happy, because that's not the way i am built... i'll still talk too quickly, and have to repeat myself. i can change my location, my friends, my behaviour and even my name. but i will still be the same. old habits continue lurking around.. my thoughts will still be of those few, i will still see her name, repeatedly in almost every pages in my diary.

i don't know what is going on. really. give me a reason not to look back.