the mojo finally returned and i went for my first driving lesson today after what seemed like 50 years. after 3 months, i finally dragged my feet to the driving school. it was bad. very bad. and it cannot make me feel anymore demoralised. the instructor was being really nice by saying, " its okay. it is like that because you've laid off for 3 months. take breathers come ! " and " you can drive you know, your skills are there. just because you haven't been driving for very long. " but i reckoned he couldn't quite delude himself further anymore he decided to say, " don't frighten me, emily. "

i frightened myself too.

i am my own nightmare. i am a bad student/daughter/friend/worker and now, i am a road hazard too. i am better off staying at home and hiding my disgusting self from the public. monster. sometimes, i wonder when will i ever get enough of fucking things up and when can i ever learn to bring the best out of myself. not only do i not aim to be the best, i don't even aim to be the second best. how futhetic (new word. fucking pathetic) is that. when i am a daughter, i don't aim to be the best daughter. i talk to my parents as if they really owe me a living. when i am a student, i am not the best student. i pass futhetic remarks like, " oh yay ! i passed ! no supp paper ! " what the fuck are you thinking about, emily ? you always take a bigger round than the rest to get to your destination. or sometimes, you don't ever reach the finishing line at all. you screw up your teenage academic life when o levels to people was easy peasy, like A's and B's. and then with borderline sort of results, you get into a disgusting course you know you can never perform in and gave excuses like " i just can't handle computers. " and happily eased all that social tension that came to you. but who's to blame right from the start ?

so now, you didn't drive as well tonight. the evil thoughts come gushing to your nutshell head once more.
"oh maybe i'm not used to driving at night. tonight is my first "
" i can't feel the pedals as well. i didn't wear my soft shoes today."
" but i didn't drive for 3 months ! its only normal. "
why don't you take your hand and slap yourself now ? you know ultimately, it still boils down to you, your fault. like what the father always says, " you have no one to blame, but yourself. "

and it is so sad that i never learn. i won't learn that love in life is never primary and that i should start practicing on my ten years series instead until i didn't do well for o levels. i won't learn until i realised that i have so much water in my bag i can now house a goldfish, because i didn't tighten the cap of my water bottle properly and that my mp3 player had drowned in it. i won't learn until all my girlfriends leave and that everything seems to be falling apart( they were the ones who placed it together too) . i will still chase down every temporary highs. i will still think the world will melt away when i look into my girlfriend's eyes. i will still think they are the only true thing i can believe in and that love is all i need. i will still think my troubles and fears will dissolve in their affection, and feel that if i am ever going to fall, they will offer me a softer place to land. but one thing which i don't know is that, most often than not- they are the ones who made me fall. and then, finally come to realisation that my life had been bleeding in my own hands. i will still not take control of situations, but instead, allow the situations to control me. such a waste of human space, emily.

tonight, i'm going to bury my face in my pillow with good intentions and think about the zillion mistakes i have made. the truckloads of chances i've let, slipped through my fingers because of my smelly attitude/perception towards myself. tomorrow, the sunrays are going to peep through the disgusting blinds in my room, and i'll wake up and say, " its a fucking brand new day. "

p.s : the atmosphere wasn't supposed to be this tensed. it is unlike me. and i'm going to end off with something light.

Phone texts exchanged between E and L

E: i am feeling very demoralised tonight. i am going to die now- doubt i can join you all. have fun in life.

L: where are you going to jump ? i'll go catch :)

E: that was very sweet of you. but i doubt you are able to catch a bag of cellulite.

L: i think so too. so i decided to catch it on camera.

E: what the fuck. catch me on camera you mean.

L: yeah and send to the newspaper and maybe i can get a free handphone :)