"If the doors of perception were cleansed every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite. For man has closed himself up, till he sees all things through narrow chinks of his cavern."- Huxley, The Doors of Perception

the very first time i really wanted something to be called "mine" and to be rightfully possesed by me was when i was 16. my parents couldn't give me what i want. nobody could, because no amount of money can buy me what i want.

it is horrible to be wanting something so badly which cannot be bought off the shelf justlikethat. like, lost memories. like, love. like, health. do i talk like a spoilt brat already ? but, it is scary meeting things you want so badly yet you have doubts of your own capabilities about owning them. and things would be simplified if you can bring it home just by letting the opposite human do transactions with that plastic card of yours. but if its like that, then there wouldn't be true love/achievements/triumph/anything real. everything will be unreal. and i am childish to even think of this.

and by far, i have 3 things that i wanted so badly but i've not come close to possessing them, yet. i doubt my capabilites. but i've not given up hope for any of them because i want them all in the near future. and i will try even harder. i will have my first chance about fufilling my third wish this week. and i am scared about failing myself. because i have my expectations and desires to meet. and just as i'm determined to try very hard...

my horoscope of the day says : Just because there's a wall in front of you doesn't mean that your journey is over!

got wall again. bloody hell. how many walls altogether ? say first, so i can prepare enough bullets in my gun. i will shoot them all down. but guess what, i don't have gun. i only have me and my bare hands. means i gotta knuckle them down, and it will be damn painful. but if i want to get behind the wall, on the otherside, before the others get there, means i have to try as hard as i can.

even if it means to die of exhuastion.

this is what i call, humans and their insatiable appetite for greed. every year during december, i see in peoples' online journals- " all i want for christmas is _____(insert this year's wants) ". every year there's a new word filling that void of the sentence. this year you get this, next year you want that. when will all of us stop wanting ? there should come a day, where we only want one thing ; where we want nothing. don't want car, don't want money, don't want big house, don't want good paying job, don't want hot girlfriend. everybody will just lie on grass and stare into space and drift into sweet slumber. some will lay alone, some will lay with their loved ones. the ones who do not lay with their loved ones will want them to be there. see, and you start to talking about wanting again even if you let go of your material wants.

this is a bloody vicious cycle. we never stop wanting. now you go figure what i exactly want ranting so much about everybodys' wants. i am not happy with myself tonight.