gone is miss morose

"What a twisted and misshapen world we live in!" reflected Gévingey, pensively. "Nobody believes in anything any more and yet everybody swallows everything they are told wholesale..."

and i am guilty of that.

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i came to conclude on my journey home today that to "wish" and to "hope" is totally inpractical, because the chances of them coming true is hardly real, visible and tangible. it was stupid of me to have blogged last night in a moment of desolation hoping for a girlfriend with a bottle of eyedrops for me promising me in awakening to abundance of love the next. everybody likes things to be story-shaped, but sadly, reality, however is not. and few are the chances that they end in satisfactory ways. i have tired eyes, yes. i didn't do anything about it. it must have been the late nights. i got myself an eyegel today, and treated the bad eyebags just with eyemask. and i massaged in circular motions. i love myself. i remember loving boththe ex-girlfriends more than i love myself. i'll get vitamin Cs for one because she has got persisting sinus issues, and eat mcdonalds happy meals 8 times a week for another because she wants the entire toys collection. how and why did i gobble up 6pieces of nuggets(280Kcal) * 8, when i have to curb my own craving of a charsiewpau of 110Kcal for myself ? this is where we talk about signs of loving someone else more than yourself. and i refuse loving anyone else for now. to love yourself, you give yourself the best treats, you want yourself to grow. and i recalled about my father telling me in durian breath last night about " girl, cannot like that, how can you give up ? very bad. then how to grow up ? you must take challanges and have confidence in yourself. " and i thought i should quit being the loser about feeling all let down by just slight setbacks. i'm afraid to want and love for fear of rejection. regardless of dreams or people. it is tiring to reach. but there is this naggy feeling within me about wanting to reach my goals, so i have to try. and try. and try. and try. the wall will eventually break someday, and i will stare at the debris of brick on the ground with pride.

love.