--- EDIT 10.26pm

the paranoia just made me do stupid things again. i don't want to let myself know anything about you anymore because each time i know, the hurt just restacks. i've had enough of the mindgames and the pail of sweet nothings and lip services you once showered me with. they were nothing to begin with. our relationship was overrated. its a classic "fuck me bad once, shame on you, fuck me bad twice, shame on me " situation. i didn't plan this disaster. you are the mastermind. i will do without you. i promise myself never to wake up with a heartache or a pain down my spine anymore. not because of you and the trouble in your world. and i will do myself the biggest favour. i will stop looking back. i will stay as strong as i can be. i am still hurting but its okay. i'll figure this out myself. i only have myself to live for. who am i fucking kidding now. i wished i loved you less. i wish could love you less today.

shame on me.

yeah, the cookie crumbles. but in whose hands ?

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here i am, in pyjamas with semi-dried hair in my room watching singapore idols and blogging again. whoa i think i quite like wednesdays because wednesday means mid week already means two more days to TGIF and wednesdays means singapore idols ! i think i'm quite a sadist because i get a high out of seeing the contestants looking all awkward and embarrased when they get critisized hahaha. i can even go without earning money just to watch idols. i tell them " sorry wednesday cannot work. got singapore idols. "

joakim better go home today (even though he can Cwalk daym well.) because i made a bet with kangwei on a cup of ribena. $1 big cup one hor.

some 9488xxxx number called me today. and guess who ! hee hee cheer me up daym alot, Jacintha Phua Jie Xin! "OMG YOU'RE BACK IN SINGAPORE ? " and her usual "duh ! " :)
funny how we only met 5 times one year ago before she went back to shanghai and then how we eventually got so close by talking cock online. from hot androgynous girls to love problems to rad fashion to good sex. this friday, we're gonna go fish and co for dinner before she fly back shanghai on sunday (funny right. come back singapore 5 days also shiok.) denise, jac, jac's japanese girlfriend and i ! not forgetting our sexual fantasies too.

as i got down bus 25 today, it started pouring daym heavily. and so i was stuck at the bus stop. all i needed was to just walk that short stretch of road, cross the bridge and i am home. but it was pouring daym heavily. so i stood there with deathcab plugged in and then i got emo. i fumbled in the bag that i've not used for months, trying to reach for my phone. and then i felt something unfamiliar. i looked in, and i saw the pamphlets that she used to take from the shops and then later just dumped them all in my bag. and i finally morphed into the emo broccoli again, emotions all filled to the brim.

i wanted to go home. everybody who walked past me just shot a glance at me and carried on walking with their umbrella. i thought " daym la. why these people like that one. " and stood there cringing at their ugly behaviours. i wanted very much to approach somebody to just shelter me over but i thought i had the time, and i wanted to just see how ugly can singaporeans really get. plus i was emo so i thought it was quite nice to just listen to deathcab and let my mind wander. and after half hour, there was this nice auntie who offered me her umbrella :) how nice. and it is not even an uncle. or a guy. or a boy. "1001 ways to stay lesbian", i thought to myself as i crossed the bridge.

anyway, the weather had been close to perfect. wet and windy, and i had one of the best warm shower just now. and i am so comfortable sitting in my room now. oh what a home girl at heart.

oh no, paul twohill just got critisized badly... i think he's going home instead of joakim :(

ken lim says " paul, you gotta be careful. you're making joakim look good. "

DIE LA THERE GOES ONE DOLLAR. KANGWEI IS GONNA WIN. CHEEB.